Happy birthday to me!

I wasn’t a fan 

I hadn’t even watched a lot of his movies

He was just some guy who was in a TV show and then moved on to acting in movies. The ones I watched, I liked but yet I wasn’t a fan.

He was just another star in Bollywood and that was that. I get a message on the 14th of June on Whatsapp with a newspaper link saying he had hung himself and died. It was a random forward. passing on random information variety like most Whatsapps but I simply couldn’t believe what I was reading. It struck me even more because his ‘probable’ time of death was when I was watching his movie-Raabta! Coincidentally, it wasn’t even a movie of choice. Popped on my Prime home screen and I just went with it.

It felt super weird! I mean here I was watching a man animated in a movie while in reality, he had died around the same time! I went on Instagram because I honestly couldn’t accept that he was dead. My mind kept telling me that it was probably a publicity stunt for his next movie which might have had something to do with isolation and suicide and they might just announce that he was fine a few hours later!! How I wish that were true. The more I read his Instagram posts, the more it seemed so unreal that he was dead. I can understand dying because of an incurable disease or an unforeseen accident but taking a life-a life so brilliantly intellectual, so loved, so full of dreams. He had this amazing bucket list and you know how I’m all for them. He had achieved 12 out of those 50. Honoring what I think is a brilliant list.

                                

                                 

                                     

A random video on FB showed a tour of his home which looked like it was done up with so much love and consideration and thought. It seemed unreal that he had a moment where he thought he was better off dead than alive and had acted upon it so swiftly! It seemed cruel and unfair and just not done! They say he was depressed and that he had lost out on many movies. His interviews made it seem like he wouldn’t really give a damn about things like that so why Sushant why?? Did you also have a mask on for the public while you were fighting demons in your head? I can’t stop, I can’t stop thinking why, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop being angry, I can’t stop feeling what I feel and it’s funny because I wasn’t a fan. I binge watch his videos, his songs, his interviews, I watched Chhichhore and I cried. A man who says suicide is not the solution went and did just that. I don’t understand it. I just don’t. I try so hard but I just can’t and it pains me. He had obviously worked so hard to get where he was. For someone who was so persistent and didn’t stop to get where he did, what changed?? If he was strong enough to persist this far, how did it get so easy to not persist anymore? From being a fourth-line background dancer at the IIFA to be nominated as best actor a few years later, wasn’t that a story not many can feel proud about? From his social media account, he seemed to have a lot of validation and was clearly a star so how can one believe that he was a victim to the bullying and nepotism in Bollywood? Wasn't he above that already? I don’t get it, I really don’t.A part of my still hopes that they find something to prove that he was killed and suicide was not what actually happened. To quote Amitabh Bachchan “to end a gainful life.....is simply not permitted”

He loved looking at the stars, just like me, he had a Meade LX600 which he proudly showed off in most of his interviews.I’m not a fan but I grieve a life that ended unfairly and too soon. As sad as I feel right now, I fervently hope he is in a better place, shining bright like the stars he loved looking at so much. But I can’t stop saying......

Pic Courtesy:AMUL